God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What drink are we having for lunch?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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