dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
