Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
