I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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