Little spoons don't ask big questions
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
