the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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