Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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