I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
