i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
