can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
