dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
