Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
