M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
