and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
