ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
