How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
