I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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