Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Moan for me like Helen Keller
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
