I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
