I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
