The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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