i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
