I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
