Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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