8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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