I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
