The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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