Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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