So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
