Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
