I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
