Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
