she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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