Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
