Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just want to make out with him forever
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
