you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
that may or may not have been my penis.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
