so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
