i just google imaged poop.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
