Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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