He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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