Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
