He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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