Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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