So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
