Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
