I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
