Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
