A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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