How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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