Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
